The most successful and lasting relationships require mindful communication before a conflict ever arises. And part of this communication means sharing questions for couples to draw you both out. Meeting regularly with your spouse or partner to ask questions and learn more about each other safeguards your relationship from painful conflicts. The deep conversations these questions foster also will create a new level of intimacy between you. (Sidebar: If you’d like to learn additional strategies to enhance your relationship, then I suggest checking out this book, which has 201 relationship questions that will build a deeper trust and intimacy with your loved one.)
Why Should You Ask Couple Questions?
A strong question prompts couples to search within to uncover the answer, leading to profound moments of self-awareness and inner growth. Within a love relationship, mutual questioning provides these same benefits, but also it allows each person to participate in the awareness and growth of the other. More important, by actively listening to your each other’s responses without judgment or defensiveness, you understand more about his or her motivations, fears, pain, longings, and frustrations. You offer each other a safe way to be open and authentic, ultimately drawing you closer together and strengthening the bond of love between you. (Don’t have time to read the entire article? Then click here to get a free printable list of all 77 questions!) Here are 77 questions for couples to enhance love and intimacy: These deep questions couples are designed to help you strengthen your relationship, improve communication, and build trust.
Deep Questions for Couples
1. What actions and behaviors can I take that feel the most loving to you?
You may have heard of the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman. In the book, Chapman describes five ways couples typically prefer to show and receive love:
Words of affirmationActs of serviceReceiving giftsQuality timePhysical touch
As you ask this question of each other, discuss your own love language and how you would like your partner to offer love to you through your primary and secondary love language. Discuss specific behaviors and actions that make you feel loved, cherished, and respected. If you aren’t sure what your love language is, you can take Gary Chapman’s quiz to help you.
2. What could I say or do that feels unloving to you?
There are the obvious words and actions that you both know are unloving, such as unkindness, criticism, dishonesty, and indifference. But there are times we say or do things unknowingly that cause hurt and anger in the other person. We might trigger old wounds from the past or cross a boundary we were unaware of. What you assume is innocent teasing might feel like a real sting to your spouse. Your need to spend time alone might feel like abandonment to the other person. Share with each other what your partner might do now or in the future to make you feel unloved. Discuss how to make a change in those behaviors.
3. How can we revive our love and intimacy as a couple when things get boring or distant?
Boredom and disconnection can often creep up on a couple. You wake up one day, and it feels like the spark is dimming and the relationship is flatlining. Maybe you feel some of this now with your lover. But even if you don’t, you need to insulate your relationship from the creeping poison of apathy. Discuss together any signs of distance or boredom developing in your relationship. Brainstorm ways the two of you can reconnect should this happen.
4. What makes you feel respected in our relationship?
Respect is “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements,” according to the Oxford Dictionary. When the other person shows you respect, you feel appreciated and acknowledged. You know your essential worthiness is recognized. All of us desire to be respected by the most important person in our lives — the person whose good opinion and high regard are so deeply important to us. However, the feeling of being respected in your relationship is different for every individual. What makes you feel respected might not be the same as what your partner needs to feel respected. Discuss your mutual needs related to respect and how you can show each other the kind of respect you need.
5. How should I communicate a problem or concern to you?
Talking about conflict or difficult topics isn’t fun, but these challenging conversations are inevitable in your relationship. Whether the problem has something to do with a complaint about your spouse, or it’s a challenge you must face together, these uncomfortable conversations can stir up a whirlwind of negative emotions. Talk about how each of you tends to react when discussing difficult information. How can your lover present the information so you can respond with a clear head and kind words?
6. Am I listening to you in a way that makes you feel completely heard?
Really listening to someone requires much more than simply hearing words. Active listening is the kind of listening couples should practice with each other as much as possible. This kind of empathic listening involves giving your full attention, without allowing distractions or interruptions. To make your lover feel heard, you can reflect back to him or her what you have heard them say and how you think they feel. Ask each other if you feel heard and understood by the other. Where do you both need to improve in your listening skills? What changes do you need to make in order to give the other person what he or she needs related to feeling heard? Life-Changing Book For Couples Did you find the couple’s questions in this article helpful? Some of them were taken from my bestselling book. Mutual questioning is a powerful technique to draw out deeper emotions and desires and address potential areas of conflict before they disrupt your closeness. The right questions inspire understanding, compassion, and action for positive change.
7. What are your deepest emotional needs?
Every one of us has unique emotional needs. We want to feel loved and to offer love to others. We want to have a sense of purpose, to feel self-esteem, and to express creativity. We desire respect and honesty from others. These are some common needs, but each individual has emotional needs that are unique to them. In a loving, intimate relationship, both of you recognize and support the other person’s emotional needs. Although you can’t meet all of your partner’s needs, each person strives to respond to the other person’s needs in a kind and loving way. You can find a list of needs here to help you define your own. Share your primary emotional needs with your spouse and how they can help you get those needs met.
8. What words should I never say to you even in playfulness?
There are some words that cross the line for acceptable language in your mind. We all have our own boundaries for what that line might be. Some playful name-calling might be perfectly acceptable to you, but other names are deeply wounding. There might be certain words you find so demeaning that you simply don’t want to hear them, even in jest—and never in anger. There might be certain words you find so demeaning that you simply don’t want to hear them, even in jest—and never in anger.
9. Is there anything about our sex life that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable?
Openly discussing differences in sexual desires or needs can be challenging. This is particularly true if your sex drives are different, or if you’re uncomfortable with something your lover is doing or saying during sex. If you aren’t sexually compatible, it impacts the emotional intimacy in your relationship, as well as your sexual intimacy. Only by opening up and discussing your sexual desires and needs can you find a middle ground that feels acceptable and comfortable to each other. Create a safe, loving, caring space between the two of you to talk about your feelings related to your sex life. You both might need to compromise at times in order to meet the needs of your partner. Or you might find that you both desire the same thing, but you just haven’t communicated it to one another. Allow your love for each other to be the guiding force as you seek to create a satisfying and comfortable sex life.
10. What activities can we share as a couple that will bring us closer?
Intimacy develops between couples when they spend time together doing things that are fun and engaging. Maybe you don’t share all the same interests, but you can develop mutual interests that bring you even closer as a couple. Many psychologists suggest reading together, even reading different books, can bring you closer together. But any interesting and fun activity that involves cooperation and shared experience will tighten your bond. Fun and play between the two of you can be a cure for boredom and disconnection. Discuss some mutual interests or new activities you can try together. Here are ideas for summer and winter fun activities. Fun and play between the two of you can be a cure for boredom and disconnection. Discuss some mutual interests or new activities you can try together. Here are ideas for summer and winter fun activities. Asking probing questions is a great way to learn more about the other person and yourself. It can strengthen your relationship and allow you to come up with creative and loving solutions to any challenges you might be facing as a couple. Remember, both partners need to enter the practice of mutual questioning with an open heart and mind, putting the health of the relationship ahead of individual complaints or concerns. Consider the time you spend together asking and answering questions as a sacred time which is an investment in the long-term happiness and health of your relationship.
11. What should we do if one of us changes our spiritual or religious views?
If you’ve been together as a couple for a while, you’ve likely discussed your views on religion. Hopefully, you are in sync about your views or least have a respect for one another’s spiritual practices and beliefs. However, people can change their beliefs and practices over time. One of you might become more or less religious or adopt beliefs that are contrary to your partner’s beliefs. One of you might feel uncomfortable with this change in the other or feel betrayed by the other for no longer sharing a faith you once had in common. Thinking ahead about this possibility can help prepare you if the situation arises.
12. What should we do if one or both of us gets really angry during a conflict?
Conflict is a normal and positive part of any relationship. It allows you to express your views and work together to find solutions and reach compromise. But too often conflict turns to anger and resentment. Anger can boil over into criticism, defensiveness, and hurtful behaviors. In the heat of the moment, you lose the ability to work out your conflict in a healthy and productive way. What should you do as a couple if anger arises during a conflict? How can you prevent it from undermining your ability to find solutions?
13. How much time should we spend with our parents and extended family?
Both of you have parents and extended family that require some of your time and attention. But how much time and attention? Discuss how much time each of you wants to spend with extended family and how to reach a compromise if your wishes differ.
14. What are some ways that we can grow together as a couple?
In order for your relationship to thrive and evolve as long as you are together, you must continue to work on it and find ways to grow and change together. How can you continue to nurture your relationship and adapt to the inevitable changes that occur with the passage of time? 101 Intimate Questions For Couples 108 Of The Best Relationship Questions To Ask 115 Of The Best Love Messages For Your Wife 77 Questions To Ask Your Significant Other For A Closer Connection
15. What childhood wounds can I help you heal and how?
We all have pain and sometimes even trauma from our childhoods that impact how we relate to each other. Childhood wounds can be triggered by certain behaviors, words, and attitudes of your partner, and he or she may have no idea why you react to them. Being open and vulnerable with each other about past wounds and trauma and asking for the kind of support and understanding you need fosters a deeper bond between the two of you. You both must feel safe with each other and show compassion and empathy for each other’s pain.
16. What are the “hot button” issues or topics that trigger anger, pain, or resentment in you?
Beyond our childhood wounds, we all have “hot button” issues that can make us react. Sometimes we don’t realize that these issues are triggering us until our partner points out our reactions. Take some time to think about the situations with your partner that triggered anger or pain. Try to figure out the root cause and explain it to them. What can you both do to help heal the issue and avoid the triggering topic?
17. How can I best support you when you are feeling sad, worried, or depressed?
We all have days or weeks when we don’t feel our best mentally and emotionally. There may be an obvious reason for these feelings, but sometimes we don’t know exactly why we feel off. What do you most need from the other person when you are feeling this way? What might your partner say or do that can make you feel worse?
18. What are your dreams and goals for yourself in the next ten years?
Part of supporting your relationship includes supporting one another’s personal goals and dreams. Even if your dreams seem far-fetched or too disruptive to your life right now, share them with your partner. Talk together about these ideas and brainstorm ways to make them happen. Ask one another how you can best support the other’s goals in a way that enhances your relationship.
19. In what area do you think our relationship needs the most improvement and why?
Even the best marriages and relationships have areas that need improvement. With every positive change you make, your intimacy and bond will grow stronger, and you’ll be a happier couple. Discuss the areas you both think need some attention and the action steps you can take to address these issues.
20. Do you think we prioritize our relationship over everything else (kids, work, money, extended family, hobbies, etc.)? If not, how can we improve this?
Your love relationship should be the centerpiece of your life. Your spouse or partner should be number one, above all other people and responsibilities. What are you putting ahead of your marriage or relationship? What needs to change and how can you implement change?
Romantic Questions for Couples
With these romantic questions for couples, you can rekindle your romantic feelings for each other.
21. When did you first realize you were in love with me?
Talking about the time when you first realized you were falling in love is a great way to rekindle the romance between the two of you. Share with one another the feelings you had when you first fell in love and what made you realize you were in love with them.
22. What do you consider the perfect romantic evening or day?
A huge factor in keeping your love alive is spending quality time with one another. This means making the time to go on dates and spend the day together doing something fun and romantic. Share with each other your ideas about the perfect date for the evening or afternoon.
23. In what ways do I make you a better man/woman?
In a healthy, happy relationship, our partners inspire us, challenge us, and motivate us to be better people. Talking about the ways you both improve one another will reinforce your love and give you both a romantic boost.
24. What would be the perfect romantic getaway for just the two of us?
Traveling together without kids, friends, or extended family is the best way to rekindle the spark and cement your loving bond. What romantic, stress-free, and fun destination would entice you to make a reservation today?
25. What can I say to you that feels romantic to you?
The words you speak to one another have tremendous power to bring you closer together and make you feel adored and cherished. Share with each other the words you most enjoy hearing from the other that feel romantic, exciting, and loving.
26. What romantic gestures do you like?
Beyond words, romantic gestures communicate your feelings of love and tenderness toward your partner. Tell each other the type of romantic gestures you prefer and try to remember those preferences when the time comes to offer them.
27. What is the perfect romantic gift?
For birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and “just because” what type of gifts do you both prefer? You may think you have the perfect gift ideas for your spouse, but he or she may have something different in mind. Part of the romance is taking the time to find this out.
28. What do you love most about me and why?
When your partner innumerates all of the things he or she loves about you, it feels amazing. Knowing that this special person in your life feels so strongly about you and your qualities makes you love him or her all the more.
29. What are your best memories of us as a couple?
You’ve had many amazing memories together as a couple, and some of them have been passionate, exciting, adventurous, or wonderfully cozy. Boost your romance by reliving these memories and sharing your thoughts about them.
30. How can we keep our romance alive over the years to come?
Romance tends to fade over the years as you become more familiar and your lives get busier. But you don’t have to allow the spark to fade.
31. What kind of affection and touch makes you feel the most loved?
Non-sexual touch is such an important part of your emotional intimacy. How much affection do you both prefer, and what kind of touch makes you feel loved? Offer one another the kind of touch you each prefer, even if it differs from your preferences.
32. What is going on in our lives that prevents us from feeling romantic and what can we do about them?
Between your jobs, children, obligations, and household responsibilities, you may have little time left for romance. What is getting in the way of spending romantic time together or offering romantic gestures? What can you do about it?
33. What makes you feel really close to me?
Sometimes we feel particularly close and connected to our partners and have a surge of love and affection for them. Talk about the times you both feel this closeness and what triggers these feelings.
34. How should I let you know that I need more romance from you?
If one of you is feeling romantically neglected, you need to talk about this issue before it builds resentment and hurt feelings. How can you best communicate this need to them without wounding him or her?
35. How should we handle it if one of us needs more romantic gestures than the other?
In fact, one of you may require more romantic gestures and expressions than the other. One of you may long for a romantic getaway, but the other isn’t that interested. How can you reach consensus and work to meet each other’s needs when it comes to romance?
36. What kind of surprises do you like?
Surprise gestures add an element of excitement and novelty to your lives and can spark romantic feelings between you.
37. When do you find me the most attractive?
You were both attracted to each other when you first met, but what is it now that makes them so attractive to you? Go beyond the physical qualities you love and share the other unique personality and character qualities that you respect and adore about your partner.
38. How can we have more fun together?
When you’ve been together for a long time, life can become boring and serious. You stop doing fun, romantic things together. You stop being playful and laughing together. Part of keeping your romance alive is finding ways to have fun and keep humor and playfulness in your daily lives.
39. How often do you want me to tell you, “I love you.”
Some people need to hear those three words several times a day. Others can hear them on occasion and not feel slighted in the least. Be honest with one another about how often you prefer to hear those words.
40. What are your memories of our first kiss?
It’s hard to forget the first kiss you shared as a couple, whether it occurred a year ago or fifty years ago.
Get to Know You Questions for Couples
41. Who in your family are you most like and how?
This is a great question to learn more about your partner or new romantic interest as it reveals the qualities your partner perceives in him or herself. It invites self-reflection and some amount of vulnerability, especially if your partner is highlighting qualities that may not be flattering.
42. What are your goals for us as a couple?
This is a good question if you are in a committed relationship, and you want to know how your partner would like to nurture and develop the relationship. It allows you to see if you are on the same page with your vision for a future together.
43. What hobbies do you enjoy doing as a couple?
You can learn a lot about how your love interest likes to spend his or her time with this question. Some people enjoy doing many activities with their partner and others prefer to pursue individual hobbies. Asking this question can help you learn more about your compatibility in this area.
44. When you’re surfing the net, what do you like to read or look at?
This question will give you great insight into your partner’s interests, passions, and even obsessions. It’s good to follow up with questions about when he or she likes to be on digital devices and how much time your partner spends on them.
45. How do you handle it if your family disagrees with a decision you’ve made?
This is an important question that will help you learn how much impact your partner’s family has on his or her life. Can you partner stand up for him or herself? Does your partner listen respectfully to family suggestions and then made a well-considered but independent decision?
46. What are the most important qualities you want in a romantic partner?
When you are in the early stages of a relationship, it’s important to know what your love interest values and needs from a partner. It will give you an idea of whether or not your values and priorities are aligned.
47. Do you think it’s okay to maintain platonic friendships with the opposite sex?
If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, it’s valuable to know whether or not your love interest maintains friendships (or would develop friendships) with someone of the opposite sex. Some people feel this is inviting trouble if you’re in a romantic relationship, but other people find it perfectly acceptable. Where do you and your love interest stand on this question?
48. What is your biggest weakness?
This question invites vulnerability, and it will be enlightening to see if your partner answers it authentically or feels uncomfortable being so open. If he or she is open and reveals something personal, it’s important to respond with empathy and acceptance.
49. Who in your life do you most respect and why?
This question gives you great insight into the values and motivations of the person you love. You will better understand who your partner strives to be and what qualities he or she would most like to have.
50. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?
Hopefully, your partner’s vision includes you being by his or her side. With this question, you’ll get a better idea of your travel compatibility.
51. What are your health and fitness goals?
If you value a healthy lifestyle and it’s an important part of your life, you’ll want to know whether or not your partner shares these values.
52. What do you do when you feel blue or unmotivated?
We all feel down or uninspired at times, and sometimes these feelings can really drag us down and impact our relationships. It’s valuable to know how your partner deals with negative emotions and whether or not he or she has a strategy for coping.
53. Do you want to have children one day?
You and your partner should be on the same page about this big decision. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t or isn’t sure, it could cause a huge rift in your relationship down the road. If the answer is, “I’m not sure,” then find out what would tip the scales one way or another if possible.
54. If (when) you have children, do you want to raise them with religion?
This is another biggie that could impact your relationship down the road. Your partner may not be religious now, but perhaps he or she feels strongly that a child should grow up with religious training. Do you feel the same way? It’s valuable to find this out early on.
55. How do you think couples should divide household chores?
This division of household chores is one of the biggest areas of conflict with couples. That’s why this question is so essential. It’s important to know upfront what you can and can’t expect from your partner and if his or her feelings about this match your own.
56. How have you responded in the past when you’ve gotten angry with your partner?
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but how you handle conflict can make or break a relationship. Does your love interest seem to have a healthy and mature way of dealing with anger and managing conflict?
57. Do you have a savings plan and financial goals?
Money and finances are another big area of potential conflict for couples. If one of you is more of a saver and the other is more of a spender, it’s important to see this early in the relationship and reach a workable compromise.
58. Do you think it’s important for one parent to stay home full-time with the kids?
This is another critical question that gives insight into your partner’s values around childrearing. Some people feel very strongly that one parent should be home with small children, while others think it’s important for both parents to work outside the home. Are you and your love interest on the same page about this?
59. Are you more of a night owl or a morning person?
How would you feel if you and your partner don’t go to bed or get up at the same time? Or maybe you’d prefer someone with a different schedule who inspires you to change your ways.
60. Would you say you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert?
This one question can help you learn so much about your partner and how he or she gets energized. It will also help you learn how to better relate to your partner once you know his or her natural personality preferences.
61. Do you like to move around a lot or stay in one city?
If you’re a homebody but your partner loves to try out new places, then you’ll need to find ways to compromise. It’s good for a homebody to stretch a little and try new places and also good for the adventurer to establish firm roots in one community for a while.
62. How important is it to spend holidays with your family?
Establishing traditions as a couple is an important part of bonding. You may decide to establish your own holiday traditions, or you might prefer maintaining your familial traditions that your parents established. If you and your partner have different opinions about this, it’s important to discuss your views and find a compromise that works for both of you.
Random Questions for Couples
Here are some fun and random couples questions to learn more about each other.
63. What is something you always wanted as a child but never had?
64. If you could give yourself any other name, what would it be?
65. What is the worst first date you ever had and what happened to make it so bad?
66. Which one of your parents are you the most like and how?
67. If you could be invisible, how would you use this superpower?
68. Who are the three most influential people in your life other than me and your parents?
69. If you had to describe yourself in five words, what would they be?
70. If you had to describe me in five words, what would they be?
71. If you didn’t have to work, how would you spend your time?
72. If you could meet any person in history, who would it be and what would you talk about?
73. What is your favorite smell?
74. If you could change the world in one big way, what would it be?
75. Where are three places you’d like to live if we could move now or in the future?
76. What is one big risk you’ve always wanted to take but been too afraid to try?
77. What do you think we’ll be doing in our lives when we are in our eighties?
Bonus: Download a PDF of our list of Questions For Couples
Get your list of questions by clicking here to download your free printable PDF of all the questions in this post! Will you use these questions for couples? I hope you enjoyed these couples questions and will use them with your partner or spouse. The questions are designed to open the lines of communication and build a safe space between you so you can fully express who you are and what you need in the relationship. These 77 questions for couples might seem like a quick fix or superficial activity, but you’ll be surprised how much closer they can bring you. In fact, many couples report resolving long-term issues and conflicts using questions to guide them. I hope you’ll gain a greater intimacy with your romantic partner as you work through these questions for couples.
